Treasure In Heaven

I rocked back onto my heels brushing the dust from my hands as I surveyed my handiwork. Four years of college text books now sat in the box in front of me. I stood, trying to tell myself this was the right thing. Why is that so hard? Why is it so hard to let go of a handful of dusty textbooks I have hardly glanced at since I graduated 5 years ago? 

My textbooks aren't the only thing I've been going through lately. It seems like ever since I returned home from Papua New Guinea (PNG) I've been trying desperately to slim down my list of belongings and the amount of things around the house. From just trying to make sure my parents don't have a ton to lug around with them when I go back, to trying to help them downsize for their move to a smaller house it's been a constant practice of sorting through stuff to give things away, throw things away and keep a tiny portion of the original. Easier said than done I'm afraid. 

It's got me thinking; why is it so hard to let go of our things? Why do I struggle to throw out high school and college class notes, graded papers and exams? Why is it hard to throw away ____ (you fill in the blank)? I've even had to take it to Jesus in prayer because it's been such a struggle. Pretty silly huh? I was having a major existential crisis over my textbooks and college class notes. Why? 

Then, as I was praying, it hit me. There are two reasons I hold onto stuff: fear and pride. That may sound strange, but hear me out. First of all, I'm afraid. Afraid that maybe I'll forget some critical piece of information I learned in college and I'll wish I had my textbook. Maybe I'll need that piece of clothing/paper/tool/"xyz" at some point and I'll be sorry I threw it away or gave it to someone else. Bottom line.... I'm afraid God will not provide. Wow! That hit me like a ton of bricks as the conviction set in. Even now, after all I've been through in the last few years, there are times I struggle to trust God. True confessions of a fallible missionary there. 

But there's more. I also realized that I hung onto a lot of my things because of pride and insecurity (which are all wrapped up in each other). I felt I needed to hold onto my textbooks because they were proof of the hours of long, difficult work I did to become a nurse. They were testimony to the "battle scars" of nursing school and college classes and 4 difficult years of my life that led to another few difficult years of rookie nursing practice and all that entails. I felt I NEEDED those textbooks to prove my knowledge, my intelligence, my worth. I wanted to keep my graded papers and exams to prove my value. My personal value is often wrapped up in my stuff. I look to it to remind myself of, or get, the approval of others instead of looking to God for His approval. More conviction. 

I had thought that I was just nostalgic, but I realized as I talked with the Jesus that my stuff had become a security blanket and, in some ways, an idol both to my accomplishments and myself. Jesus talked a lot about valuing stuff in the Bible and as I prayed I felt Jesus reminding me of these two passages:

Luke 12:16-21 (NLT)

"Then he told them a story: “A rich man had a fertile farm that produced fine crops. He said to himself, ‘What should I do? I don’t have room for all my crops.’ Then he said, ‘I know! I’ll tear down my barns and build bigger ones. Then I’ll have room enough to store all my wheat and other goods. And I’ll sit back and say to myself, “My friend, you have enough stored away for years to come. Now take it easy! Eat, drink, and be merry!”’

“But God said to him, ‘You fool! You will die this very night. Then who will get everything you worked for?’

“Yes, a person is a fool to store up earthly wealth but not have a rich relationship with God.”"

Matthew 6:19-21 (ESV)

"“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Since I went through my textbooks and I had my major crisis (ha, ha, ha) I've spent a lot of time contemplating what God is trying to teach me through this. First of all, I feel like He's asking me to trust Him and rest in Him for all I need. For all the knowledge, possessions and provisions I need. Second, He's asking me to find my value in Him and to seek His approval above all else. He's asking me to have a rich relationship with Him, that's not dependent on "stuff" and to put the "stock" of my treasure in things that won't be destroyed so my focus will be on the things of God. So, if you see me looking a bit frazzled it's because I'm trying to learn to let go and to take God's hand into the unknown with treasures in heaven and in rich relationship with God.