Brokenness, Hope, and the Now and Not Yet

Moonrise near my home

      I stood in the shower, in the first truly hot shower I’ve had in over a week, the seeping cold slowly melting from my body. Words kept forming on my lips and in my heart in prayer for the twin baby who was rushed to the hospital today. The other twin died the day before yesterday and now the second was in unstable condition at a hospital about 30 minutes away. The babies are relatives of a dear friend and my heart broke in unintelligible words in the shower. It had been a rough day. One woman was brought in without a pulse and it became evident shortly into the resuscitation that she was too far gone. At the same time another baby was fighting for its life hooked to tubes and fluid bags, its fearful mother watching with wide silent eyes as staff worked on her little one.

     Less than a month back to my Pacific island home and the black wall of suffering has already slapped me full in the face. The haunting reality of our broken world and the faintly glimmering hope of the “now and not yet” of the Kingdom of God. I know I write about that a lot — the “now and not yet” of the Kingdom of God. Jesus brought us hope, and it is glorious, inexpressible and liberating. I’ve seen it burst forth in physical healing, renewed relationships, incredible miracles and true transformation. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. However, its the things that don’t change, the illness that clings on, the people that die, the shattered families, the due dates that come and go and no deliverance comes, that weigh heavy on the heart as the reality sets in that sin and brokenness still hold sway on this earth despite the hope of Jesus pushing back the dark.

      It’s days like today that both make me realize I need to be here, and also make me feel like I don’t want to be here. Do you ever have that? I know you do. Days you don’t want to go to work, get out of bed, or set up that ministry thing one more time. The days when you long for a vacation where “everything just seems right” and none of the pressures seem like they can touch you. But I’ve also come to realize that I grow, and my compassion for others grows, in dark places and hard days like today. Not because I’m super cool or mature or spiritual, I just can finally empathize because I’ve either walked it myself, walked with someone in it, or am walking it now.

      I know that modern society often shies away from talking about suffering, disappointment, hurt. But I’ve been reading a lot of the Old Testament and the Psalms lately and I’ve realized that God is not embarrassed at all by talking about suffering and facing it head on. He knows its there. He doesn’t pretend its not. Instead, He chooses to sit with us in the hard and the painful, and to walk through every hard circumstance with us. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” God doesn’t stand far away and try to hide his eyes from the difficulties and heartache we face.  Instead, He chooses to come close.

       I’ll admit, my heart is heavy, and I think I’ll be sitting with that heaviness as long as I choose to love people and seek to pull them into the light of the hope of Jesus and away from the brokenness of this world and their sin. However, I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I know God is with me and He won’t leave me at any point along the road.