I Know Whom I Have Believed

-
"[...] because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day." 
2 Timothy 1:12b

Late afternoon sun streams through the front glass door of my house. I see all of the smudges and fingerprints ranged on the glass and mentally add that to my cleaning checklist. My dog sleeps peacefully on the rug in the soft, warm sunshine. Clocks tick around me reminding me of the relentless march of time in my stolen moment of reflection.

I've been thinking a lot of what to share with all of you this week and not making much headway. Many of you received the note I sent out this week letting you know I'm taking the 6 month extended family medical leave of absence from my work in Papua New Guinea (PNG). Strange. Making that decision was so difficult for me, and it was even harder to tell all of you. It feels like our hopes and dreams have been so tied up in what's going on thousands of miles away on an island in the Pacific that it was hard for me to tell you I'm staying here in the US for a while longer. I know my hopes and dreams have been tied up there. It's not to say that I resent being here. Quite on the contrary, I count it a gift to be here to help my family during this terrifically difficult time. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I'm supposed to be here and that God is using me to minister here just as He was doing there.

However, that certainty doesn't still the longing of my heart that drove me to be in PNG in the first place. It's funny how discouragement, doubt and frustration can seep in even when you know you're doing the right thing. It kind of reminds me of Abraham. At first, he held tight to the promises of God and moved forward steadfastly. But after time had passed he grew weary, began to doubt, wrestled with discouragement and frustration. He made some wrong decisions in those times of doubt. On the other hand, I've been praying a lot that I would make the decisions and keep that attitudes that would steer me clear of episodes that include "Ishmaels."I've been praying that I would instead have Abraham's attitude of full surrender when He was willing to give God what was most precious to him, which was Isaac. That's a big part of this, I think -- Surrender. That's a word none of us like, and few of us really practice. In a world of schedulers, planners, and really (if we're honest with ourselves) control freaks, surrender is not a popular concept. However, when you're in a situation that's entirely out of your control, and you have no hopes of grabbing the reigns, God forces you to surrender your control and give everything to Him. And that's when it happens: peace in the midst of chaos, hope in the midst of dire circumstances, joy under the crushing hand of sorrow and suffering.

Surrender seems to be the answer to both my contentment and my longing. As I'm surrendering both of those things to Christ I'm seeing His hand at work in the present and hearing his reassuring promise for the future. So, for now, I'll keep doing the dishes, washing the laundry, cleaning the house, helping my Dad and brother out, taking my Mom to appointments and trusting that God is able to keep what I've committed to Him in total surrender -- because, I may not know the future or even the present but I know whom I have believed.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Brokenness, Hope, and the Now and Not Yet

-
Image
Moonrise near my home       I stood in the shower, in the first truly hot shower I’ve had in over a week, the seeping cold slowly melting from my body. Words kept forming on my lips and in my heart in prayer for the twin baby who was rushed to the hospital today. The other twin died the day before yesterday and now the second was in unstable condition at a hospital about 30 minutes away. The babies are relatives of a dear friend and my heart broke in unintelligible words in the shower. It had been a rough day. One woman was brought in without a pulse and it became evident shortly into the resuscitation that she was too far gone. At the same time another baby was fighting for its life hooked to tubes and fluid bags, its fearful mother watching with wide silent eyes as staff worked on her little one.      Less than a month back to my Pacific island home and the black wall of suffering has already slapped me full in the face. The haunting reality of our broken world and the faintly glimme
Read more

A Creepy Crawly Welcome

-
Image
  Asiatic rhinoceros beetle  Flicking on the light I walked down the stairs to my basement. I had only been home for a few minutes but wanted to check the house and see what I’d need to do to get it into shape after my long absence. The upstairs was clean and tidy and ready for me to start unpacking and the whole house had been cleaned a couple of weeks before. I went down the stairs and turned the corner. I pulled up short. There if front of me was the huge inverted corpse of a spider, curled legs frozen and dangling in the web of another spider. The dead spider was at least an inch across and had to have been quite big when it was alive. Taking a broom from the wall, I poked at the dead spider, just reassuring myself that it was indeed dead. I shuddered and stepped around the web, making a mental note to clear away the cobwebs downstairs as one of my first chores. I’d only gone a step or two when I stumbled on a rhinoceros beetle that was struggling on its back. It angrily flailed it
Read more

Seasons

-
Image
 Note: I wrote this back in August and forgot to publish it, but it was too good not to share. So, you guys get two blog posts this week. :) Ukarumpa with a lovely double rainbow over it  The smell of freshly roasting coffee and rain glide through my window into my office. The weather is turning cooler and more foggy but the rain has slacked off as we creep into the dry season. And so we make another determined march through the seasons, ticking off the months in their turn. In the northern hemisphere Summer is tantalizingly close. Schools are finishing up their year and kids are counting down the days until break and endless hours without homework or classes. Right now some friends and I are studying the way God’s story starts in Genesis and wraps through the whole Bible, weaving in and out of what feel like unrelated stories and poetry and pronouncements of doom should the people not repent. But as we look for the common thread of God’s story I can see God’s rhythms of creation and g
Read more