I Know Whom I Have Believed

"[...] because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day." 

2 Timothy 1:12b

Late afternoon sun streams through the front glass door of my house. I see all of the smudges and fingerprints ranged on the glass and mentally add that to my cleaning checklist. My dog sleeps peacefully on the rug in the soft, warm sunshine. Clocks tick around me reminding me of the relentless march of time in my stolen moment of reflection.

I've been thinking a lot of what to share with all of you this week and not making much headway. Many of you received the note I sent out this week letting you know I'm taking the 6 month extended family medical leave of absence from my work in Papua New Guinea (PNG). Strange. Making that decision was so difficult for me, and it was even harder to tell all of you. It feels like our hopes and dreams have been so tied up in what's going on thousands of miles away on an island in the Pacific that it was hard for me to tell you I'm staying here in the US for a while longer. I know my hopes and dreams have been tied up there. It's not to say that I resent being here. Quite on the contrary, I count it a gift to be here to help my family during this terrifically difficult time. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I'm supposed to be here and that God is using me to minister here just as He was doing there.

However, that certainty doesn't still the longing of my heart that drove me to be in PNG in the first place. It's funny how discouragement, doubt and frustration can seep in even when you know you're doing the right thing. It kind of reminds me of Abraham. At first, he held tight to the promises of God and moved forward steadfastly. But after time had passed he grew weary, began to doubt, wrestled with discouragement and frustration. He made some wrong decisions in those times of doubt. On the other hand, I've been praying a lot that I would make the decisions and keep that attitudes that would steer me clear of episodes that include "Ishmaels."I've been praying that I would instead have Abraham's attitude of full surrender when He was willing to give God what was most precious to him, which was Isaac. That's a big part of this, I think -- Surrender. That's a word none of us like, and few of us really practice. In a world of schedulers, planners, and really (if we're honest with ourselves) control freaks, surrender is not a popular concept. However, when you're in a situation that's entirely out of your control, and you have no hopes of grabbing the reigns, God forces you to surrender your control and give everything to Him. And that's when it happens: peace in the midst of chaos, hope in the midst of dire circumstances, joy under the crushing hand of sorrow and suffering.

Surrender seems to be the answer to both my contentment and my longing. As I'm surrendering both of those things to Christ I'm seeing His hand at work in the present and hearing his reassuring promise for the future. So, for now, I'll keep doing the dishes, washing the laundry, cleaning the house, helping my Dad and brother out, taking my Mom to appointments and trusting that God is able to keep what I've committed to Him in total surrender -- because, I may not know the future or even the present but I know whom I have believed.